In the current discourse, there is a lot of discussion about what men 'shouldn't' be. It is important to call out bad behaviour, entrenched biases and call a stop to attitudes and actions that are unacceptable. There has had to be a call to arms to halt damaging behaviours and attitudes, but as we go through this process, it begs the question; What is a gentleman in this day and age?
Is a gentleman a gentle-man? Is a gentleman a rough and tumble, one-of-the-lads kind of knockabout guy? On a first date does a gentleman pay, or does a gentleman split the bill, or let their date pay? Does a gentleman get in fights? Or does a gentleman always walk away? Are they book smart? Street smart? A smart arse?
What is a gentleman in this day and age? Well, I’ll give you my thoughts on the matter.
A gentleman pays attention. All the time, to all the people, things and environments that he is around. A gentleman pays attention to what people are doing, what they are saying, what they need and where they are. A gentleman pays attention because attention is the first step to understanding, and a gentleman takes the time to understand.
Understanding is knowing when to pay and when to split a bill. Understanding is knowing when something is hurtful, mean or upsetting and when something is actually just a bit of fun. A gentleman fights from time to time, but he fights for what is right, he fights for what is just and he fights for people who can’t help themselves. A gentleman doesn’t fight for his own ego, to prove a point or to try and get one-up on someone. When someone says or does something to deliberately offend a gentleman, if there is an opportunity to walk away, a gentleman walks away. A gentleman knows that someone who is doing this deliberately is really the person who is hurting. A gentleman knows that someone who does this by accident didn’t mean it, because a gentleman assumes good intent.
The gentleman can walk away because he is not easily offended by others, a gentleman knows his own mind and keeps his self-esteem strong through the influence of his own actions. A gentleman is not concerned about easy likes or quick wins at the expense of others, and doesn’t concern himself with the attempts by others to unsettle him.
A gentleman is playing the long game. Developing himself through the good times and the bad to be the best version of himself in every situation. A gentleman is a strong man, but strong in the sense that he nurtures his strengths and works on his weaknesses. Always striving to be the best he can be, a gentleman may be physically strong, but he may also be smart, kind, thoughtful, studious or any other combination of virtues. A gentleman is vulnerable, because only by being vulnerable can a gentleman ever truly be strong in any aspect of his life.
A gentleman is respectful. Respectful of differences in sex, culture, language, race, social status, body type, hair colour, socio-economic standing, job title and any other point of difference between two people. A gentleman is respectful of experience and wisdom, because a gentleman is striving to achieve these things and he knows that they take time, effort and patience. A gentleman respects any other person who has taken the time to cultivate these qualities.
A gentleman is open. Open to learning, open to loving, open to participating. A gentleman will be scared of things but do them anyway. A gentleman will face his fears head on, without delay. A gentleman sets goals and works to them, knowing that no-one is responsible to the attainment of these goals but himself. Being open, a gentleman will be open to help, open to asking for help and open to giving it in return wherever he can.
A gentleman knows the difference between right and wrong, and always chooses right. Even if it means personal sacrifice, a harder road or losing face. A gentleman chooses justice over convenience and actively keeps eyes open for injustice, in order to work towards balancing the ledger for those who need it most. A gentleman is honest. A gentleman looks after his family, his peers, his friends and those who are fortunate enough to come across a true gentleman. A gentleman seeks ways to build a world where everyone is looked after in some capacity, wherever they are.
A gentleman prefers knowledge over ignorance, kindness over dominance, strength over capitulation, hard work over idleness, character over dishonesty and virtuousness over underhandedness.
A gentleman seeks the example of the gentlemen who have come before him, to take the best of them and learn from them. To take the worst of them and learn from their failings. A gentleman knows that no gentleman is perfect, but that in the search for perfection we might attain something that gets close.
A gentleman knows that doing the right thing is easy when things are going well, but that doing the right thing when times are tough is how strong character is forged. Character is the foundation of being a gentleman. Deciding who you want to be and relentlessly pursuing the best vision of yourself in every moment, of every day in every way. A gentleman is the best version of himself, and he is proud of himself for doing everything in his power to be that person.
A gentleman is a good person, a real person. A person that cries, laughs, feels and acts for the good of others. A person that takes the time to understand themselves, and understand others. A gentleman might be physically strong, but is absolutely strong in character. A gentleman might be or may not be of superior intelligence, but will always seek wisdom. A gentleman knows to Just Be Nice.
In every culture, we get tend to get more of what we applaud. Aspirations are set by expectations. If instagram followers are the standard by which your character is judged, people will aspire to have lots of followers. If wealth is the sole measure of worth, then at all costs, people will aspire to accumulate wealth. If a culture of character-led gentlemen is one that we aspire to have, then we need to actively get behind people who live those characteristics. We can move the needle through calling out bad behaviour, and we can move the needle by applauding those who are exhibit the very best of what we could be.
Everyone has the capacity to be a gentleman. The best time to start is from when you were born, the second best time is right now.
If you'd like to support our work, and ensure that we don't leave anyone in need behind (and we definitely need your support!) you can do so by joining our community of subscribers who are committed to the best possible outcomes for those in need here.
Or if you are looking for ways to integrate meaningful positive impact into your life and organisation, become a character-led individual or business; Get in touch with any questions and stay up to date HERE - We'd love to have you on board.

It really is ok to not be ok, none of us should feel uncomfortable with experiencing the full gamut of regular human emotions.

Independent of mental health statistics, at one point or another, each of us will have a moment of ‘not being ok’. The causes of not-being-ok are infinite, and if we were to examine every individual reason or cause that leads to someone ‘not being ok’, we will be here for a long time.

The current uptake in the proclamation of this sentiment; “it’s ok to not be ok” “it ain’t weak to speak” “speak up” etc; is usually related to the discussion of where you may be sitting in the broad spectrum of ‘mental health’, letting people know that it’s ok if you have feelings, and ok to talk about them.

The truth is, it’s also ‘ok’ to have a broken leg. It’s ‘ok’ to have cancer. It’s ‘ok’ to suffer horrific injuries in a car accident. The difference is, we don’t expect people with these conditions to sort out their own treatment, we don’t expect the laymen around them to be the ones to fix their ailments, and we don’t demand that they get better on their own.

Hospitals, Doctors and Allied Health professionals take responsibility for making sure that people get better. They are accountable to an outcome based on the person they are treating getting better, not based on whether there was an opportunity for the person to talk about their illness, or whether some mild attempt was made to make them feel better about the fact that they were sick or injured in the first place.

We understand that some chronic illnesses like cancer can take a very long time to treat, that cancer goes into remission and that it may come back again. It may come back and manifest itself in the same way as it appeared last time, or it may be different. It can affect people of every age, sex, race, socio-economic status, and as a result – our universal healthcare system provides an avenue for treatment, as often as required, for as long as required. If it takes 20 specialists to diagnose and treat your cancer, then so be it. If you are treated for cancer for 15 years, rather than people looking at the clock and the balance sheet and exclaiming;

 “Gee, that’s pretty expensive, and it’s taking a long time, why is it taking so long? Don’t you think you should have had it sorted by now?”

We see people who are battling 15 years of cancer treatment as inspirational, as strong people for enduring all of the uncertainty, setbacks, challenges and horrible feelings that go along with being treated long term for their cancer.
Anyone who has attempted to help a person with limited resources, and long-term mental health issues, knows that no such responsibility is taken when people are struggling from non-medical causes of disadvantage. There are no institutions that take responsibility for ensuring that people who are struggling and have been struggling for a long time have access to everything necessary to get them to a place where they are ‘in remission’.

The Just Be Nice Project is the only organisation in the world that is focused on building infrastructure that takes those in need and works with them until they are housed, employed and have good mental health. Just like cancer, some of these people require 15 years of assistance to get there. They may relapse and fall away from the path they are on. They may have secondary, tertiary or quaternary complications that manifest during the process, they too should be dealt with along the way.

The Just Be Nice Project is committed to building the infrastructure beyond the posters and the conversations. Into the nitty gritty of ensuring those in need are supported and safe on their journey back to agency and positive mental health. Moving beyond phone lines and good intentions into active, material help for people and those close to them who want to help. Making sure that there are places to stay, people to help and pathways to outcomes, regardless of how you come to need help. Supporting those on the phones so that they have places to send people to continue to get the material help they need alongside the emotional support they may be getting.

It’s ok to not be ok, but how we treat the people that aren’t ok, is not ok. We need to do more than listen, more than just talk, more than just ‘raise awareness’, more than simply tell the most vulnerable amongst us to step up and speak more; especially when we don’t put the same effort into making sure that when they do speak up, we can take responsibility for ensuring that they’’ll get all the help they need, when they need it, for as long as they need it.

If you'd like to support our work, and ensure that we don't leave anyone in need behind (and we definitely need your support!) you can do so by joining our community of subscribers who are committed to the best possible outcomes for those in need here.

This World Mental Health Day, let's take a moment to acknowledge that poor (and good) mental health, does not happen in a vacuum.

Poor mental health can be temporary, it can be long-term. It can be related to events that have happened, and it can be related to physical and biochemical deficiencies. Poor mental health can come on quickly and leave quickly, or it can come on slowly, and leave slowly.
 
One thing we need to acknowledge though, is that telling people that it’s ok to have poor mental health is not the same as changing the environments and resources around those who are struggling.

Some poor mental health outcomes are completely rational;
 
It is hard to have great mental health if your housing is insecure, unaffordable, short-term, lacking amenity, unsafe and if you have no choices at all about where to live.
 
It is hard to have great mental health if you are swamped in debt that you have accumulated in an effort to simply exist. Economic insecurity rapidly leads to poor mental health outcomes, so unemployed, disengaged individuals, with no relevant, long-term pathways to meaningful, adequate employment is a massive contributor to poor mental health outcomes.

It is hard to have great mental health if your physical health is in dire straits and you do not have access to the treatment and support you need to improve it.
 
It is hard to have great mental health if you cannot get consistent, well supported and affordable access to psychiatric and psychological help. People experiencing poor mental health may need psychiatric help, but psychiatry is an inexact science. It requires regular tweaking and adjusting to ensure that those suffering have the best chance of finding some balance and getting a chance to improve their mental health. This is a challenge if you cannot afford the consults or the drugs. This is a challenge if you have no support and nowhere to be for the 20-60 days it can take for some psychiatric drugs to take effect.

It is hard to have great mental health if you are in the throes of grief, and in fact, it is totally rational to be feeling down during moments of extreme sadness. However, It can be hard if you are isolated, lacking support and at risk of losing your house, your job and control of your life while you deal with your grief.
 
It is hard to have great mental health if you have no agency, or control over your life. You can lose agency through overbearing parents, abusive relationships, economic instability, a lack of education, living in an environment where there are limited choices as to what you can do, where you can go, what you can afford. A lack of agency and feelings of despair can occur for a wide variety of reasons, many of them environmental, cultural and completely rational.
 
It is hard to have great mental health if you live in isolation. Isolation because you are physically remotely isolated, isolated because you have inadequate mobility options, isolated because you have to work three jobs and have no time to engage with your friends, economically isolated because you cannot afford to spend time engaging in leisure or community activities.
 
It is hard to have great mental health if you feel that you are unable to provide for your family. For some this is the result of being unable to provide their children with food everyday, and for others it’s because they cannot provide their children with a Mercedes instead of a Hyundai. This is because mental health and everyone’s experience of it is relative.
 
It is hard to have great mental health, if there is no trust that when you reach out you will get the help that you need, when you need it, for as long as you need it. For some people, they just need an ear, for others, they need access to opportunity and support in myriad ways to create an environment where they can thrive mentally. This is why the Just Be Nice Project exists to actively take responsibility for, and work towards adequate housing, employment and mental health outcomes in tandem.
 
It may be ok to not be ok, but as long as we also believe it is ok to have extreme levels of inequality, isolation, injustice, disadvantage and inequality of opportunity, we are abandoning people to poor mental health outcomes regardless of how many morning teas we throw on World Mental Health Day.

If you'd like to support our work (and we definitely need your support!) you can do so by joining our community of subscribers who are committed to the best possible outcomes for those in need here.

My goddaughter was running through a playground, she tripped, fell and hurt herself. To be fair, I think she mostly got a fright from the fall, rather than got properly hurt, nonetheless she was upset and crying.

It wasn’t my fault though, so why should I bother to do anything?

It is cringey to even think that I would consider leaving a two year old to just bawl on the ground because ‘It’s not my fault’, when the truth is; as someone who cares, is there and is in a position to help, it is my responsibility to do so.
In philosophy the utilitarian dilemma is based largely around when and where the limit of responsibility ends. I think that as it stands right now, we need to improve our conversation around where responsibility begins.

It’s time to re-frame responsibility not as a burden, but as a privilege. To take responsibility is to take you part in positive improvements and forward movement in all areas of life. To live in a world where you relish every moment to contribute, even in small ways, is to live in a world full of wonderful possibility.

Climate change isn’t wholly my fault, and yet it is my responsibility to do what I can to alleviate it.
First nations dispossession, inequality and disadvantage isn’t directly my fault, and yet it is my responsibility to work to level the playing field.

It is not my fault that there are children growing up in poverty, without education, food, medicine and safe environments, and yet I will gladly take responsibility to work relentlessly to improve the lives of those children.

It is not my fault that there are hundreds of thousands of Australians living below the poverty line, that millions are without basic necessities across the globe. Gross inequalities in the western and developing world are not my fault. It is not my fault that people live in isolation, that millions of people suffer from stress, anxiety, despair and a lack of agency in their lives. It is not my fault that the temperature of the planet continues to rise and that thousands of species of animals have been wiped out in the last century. None of these things are ‘my fault’, and yet they represent a chance for me to take responsibility. Not take responsibility for everyone, or for solving all of the problems at once, or for solving them completely on my own (it is not possible to solve them solo), but I can take responsibility for what I do to improve them. I can look for every opportunity to take responsibility for moving the needle in the correct direction on all of these issues and more.

Responsibility falls on the shoulders of ‘those who can’. If you are fortunate enough to be one of those people, or one of those organisations ‘who can’, then you must take that responsibility. Be humbled by the great gift that it is to be able to take responsibility. Be excited by the opportunity that your hard work, privilege and position present to you. Find motivation in the chance to develop ‘those that can’t right now’, into part of the team of ‘those who can’.
Your capacity to be generous, your connection to the people and communities around you, your ability to positively impact the world and our legacy as a moment in time are all tied to our appetite to take responsibility for creating a world full of people ‘who can’ and people ‘who do’.

Just because something isn’t your fault, doesn’t mean it isn’t your responsibility.
If you can, you must… And if you’re reading this. You can.



If you'd like to support our work (and we definitely need your support!) you can do so by joining our community of subscribers who are committed to the best possible outcomes for those in need here.

If you are looking for ways to integrate meaningful positive impact into your life and organisation? Get in touch with any questions and stay up to date HERE - We'd love to have you on board.

Read more about the Just Be Nice Project and how we can help your organisation improve here.